Johnny Klister

Kalla Clones Evil Bronze Version of Herself for Flawless Interval Partner.

An Open Letter from the American Birkebeiner to all 2010 and potential 2011 Birkie Participants!

Dear Birkie Skier,

    It’s July, which can only mean one thing: single-minded obsessiveness to our race has surely taken hold by now.  If you aren’t rabidly demo-ing the new Swix Triac pole in preparation for Birkie ‘11, you likely won’t finish the event at all so get to it!  We’re writing to update you to our new Wave selection process for 2011.  We believe this process will ensure fair and sporting competition.  It is described handily below:

Part I:  All Wave Placements will be selected based on the video footage seen below.

Part Ia: Placement in the Birkie is crucial which is why we aren’t relying on timing equipment or the final results as printed in the near-by Duluth News Tribune, rather you will be placed ONLY if we are capable of credible identification in the film below.

Part 6: Should you have lost a result due to any of the following, please request for A14 from our office entitled REQUEST FOR FOR BIRKIE PLACEMENT DUE TO 2010 RACE MISHAP. 

(Race mishaps include but are not limited to:

- Missed feeds.

- Broken poles.

- Lack of fitness.

- Bad wax.

- Extreme cold.

- Extreme heat.

- Bad grooming

-Syphillus

-Terrible coaching

- Bear attack.

- Terrible suit selection.

- Sawmill Pre-race Event Gone Awry

- Lack of Scandinavian Ancestry.

- Gunshot wound.)

Part III: Addendum

Were you not to have raced at the Birkebeiner in 2010, you will automatically be selected into Wave 6 (typically reserved for flaming sepulchers in which suffer the heretics, those failing to believe in Ullr and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs and use of Toko waxes), unless you participated in the following events, the Olympic Games, the World Championships or the NBA Championships at which point only an official copy of results from those events signed by an appropriate notary will allow you to be eligible for competing in the Birkie with a place reserved in Wave 8 (along the magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, panderers and thieves. Some wallowing in human excrement.)

Appendix 8:

Gus Kaeding will be given an 8 minute lead for all Birkebeiner race events in perpetuity.

Section7D:

Sponsoring partners of the Birkebeiner will be allotted three spots in the Elite Wave (along with the seven walled castle and virtuous pagans) provided you are in possession of one of the following:

- Photos of Scott Wilson without a mustache.

- Photos of Andrew Gardner WITH a mustache.

- Andrew Johnson’s actual mustache.

Prologue:

Any participant having never competed will be placed through the following process.

The stairways of the Telemark Lodge will be painted to represent each wave levels.  All applications will be compiled on the eve of the vernal equinox and held in trust with the winner of the 2010 Miss Wisconsin competition.  At the stroke of midnight, Miss Wisconsin in a pitching style only before seen employed by Pittsburgh Pirate, Charlie Morton (9.35ERA), will huck said entrants down the stairs allowing where they fall to be the official start wave in 2010.  All entrants adjusted with paperweights, clips or stickers will be refused with no refund.

Fine Print:

In case of poor snow conditions, the event organizers will issue a FULL REFUND an two-nights stay complimentary at the Windy Pines Resort and Fishery in Montawontuk, WI. 

We look forward to your participation in the Birkie in 2011.  Should you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us at johnnyklister@gmail.com

kindest regards—